fathers.myfreeforum.org

wokster · Joined: 01 Feb 2007 Posts: 1 Location: North Ayrshire

Hi there,

Glad to have found your site. I did not know if this was the relevant place to post as you were talking about children making the transition from various levels of education, but I thought I would introduce myself anyway and share my experiences with you.

I think this is a superb idea and look forward to watching it grow.

As you can see from the heading I have an 18 month old Son called Alex who was born with DS. I know that the previous posters kids are a lot older and face different challenges, but I know they have obvoiusly shared similar experiences to me in the past.

I thought I might share my initial experiences in case someone who may be in a similar situation to me in the future can take hope from it.

Alex was born in August 2005 at Ayrshire Central Hospital. My Wife and I were not aware that Alex had DS until about 30 mins after he was born. To be honest like the majority of people who experience this, we had no idea really what DS was or how it would really affect our new born Son, the only thing we could think about was........ why us?

When the paediatrician told us I actually feell back on to my chair, my face went chalk white and I felt physically sick.

That day was quite surreal, as I had to go home and pick up my Daughter and inform the rest of our friends and family of Alex's birth and I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. When I came back in to the hospital my Wife was sitting up in bed crying watching the Special Olympics.

The majority of that day was spent crying and being full of self pity. My Mum and Dad came to see Alex and told my Wife and I to go out for a walk. We spent the next hour or so just talikng and crying and wondering what to do. I think we just felt that we couldn't cope with the situation as we just were not "made that way". The thought of giving him up entered my mind for about a second before I came to my senses.

After our walk I think it made us realise that our baby just needed to be loved and who else could do that better than us. I actually felt really positive after the first day and ready for the challenge ahead.

My Wife took it a lot harder than me, so I think that is why I knew I had to remain strong. My Wife had to cope with more than I did, as she had to deal with being in hospital for the first few days until Alex was confirmed with having ASD, along with the other Mothers who were too scared to talk to her, or understandably too busy with their happy healthy children.

Then the frustration came with Alex not taking to breast feeding which led to him going back in to hospital for 4 days when he was 6 days old. She perceveired though and Alex eventually started breast feeding and continued to do so for the next few months. I was so proud of my Wife and knew we had a little fighter in Alex.

I tried to get my hands on as much literature on DS as I could and one of the things I read that rings true is the grieving process. I think after the shock you really do grieve, as you have been waiting nine months for your perfect baby to be born and then that is snatched away from you.

It is also strange to deal with the reaction of people you know. We have people who we thought were close friends who just never came round any more. I cannot judge them as I would hope I wouldn't, but don't really know how I would have reacted if the shoe was on the other foot.
Believe it or not, my Dad went through a similar thing when he lost a lot of friends after he had his leg amputated.

The other thing is the two most common reactions: 1) I'm really sorry to hear your news. or 2) Those type of kids are so full of fun and love.
You just have to bite your tongue and put it down to peoples ignorance.

Alex has brought us so much joy over the last 18 months and it really has been a pleasure to watch him grow. I honestly would not change him for the world.

I am not naieve enough to know that things will be easy, and I know our real challenges will begin when he starts school and reaches puberty. But what I do know is that we will be as supportive and encouraging as we possibly can be along the way.

On a lighter note, people always ask me how I felt when we found out Alex had DS and my reply is always this "As soon as I took on board the fact that he would never play for Rangers, I was fine"

As I mentioned previously, I don't know if this is the correct place to post this, but I hope that other new Dads read this and know that although it is probably the hardest thing they will ever have to deal with, and they may question there ability to cope. They will somehow cope as I have coped and find qualities within themselves that they never knew they had.

All the best for the future guys.

Rob · Joined: 26 Jan 2007 Posts: 15

Thanlks so much for sharing - brought it all back. My son was born at Ayrshire Central too, funnily enough, all of 12 years ago, and it wasnt the best experience of my life, in retrospect it was pretty awful. I think I just withdrew into moroseness and misery for a month or ten until I realised that the wee lad was a shining star and could actually teach me a thing or two about love and life...and so he does, every day without fail, and my life is much the better for it. The huge smile and the big hugs are the best part !!!!

But how did you guess I am a huge Rangers fan? Another bizarre thing is that my recently departed and much loved father in law was born in Kilmarnock, was called Alex and was a below-knee amputee....weird or what? Guess we better continue this discussion in the sport section of the pub - or create a new thread called "amazing co-incidences" .........

catthomson · Joined: 17 Jul 2007 Posts: 3

Hi

Children in Scotland are holding a conference in September in Falkirk which considers many of the issues you discuss in your post. The event is called Dad's the Word: Understanding the importance of fathers in families with children with additional support needs.

The event provides an opportunity to hear first hand from fathers about their experiences, provide recommendations about how services could be improved and take part in workshops which provide help and advice on coping with the stresses involved in caring for a child or children with additional support needs.

In addition to hoping to encourage dad's to attend as delegates we are are also looking for three fathers who would be willing to share their stories with small groups of delegates in an informal setting either in person or by writing a short summary of their experience. If you would be interested in taking part or attending the event then please contact me on cthomson@childreninscotland.org.uk. Further information about the event can be found on the Children in Scotland website http://www.childreninscotland.org.uk Smile